FLUCTUATING HOPE
Fluctuating Hope - Episode 15
Written By Amah's Heart. & Blessing
I arrived home and slúmped on the bed tiredly. I was just speechless and couldn't even cry as I thought I would immediately I get home.
I guess I had grown emotionally stronger without knowing the depth, so I just laid on my bed staring into space trying to fathom which direction my life is slowly driving me to follow.
So many thoughts ran through my young mind as I laid on the bed with my mind wandering
Thoughts of;
Is it really true that Aunty Cynthia was trying to prepare me for that rude Malvin who even smokes and could that have been be the reason for my mother's unexplained behavior?
What kind of father and son controversial situation am I getting caught in between?
And only God knows if Mr Bernard will cut off his assistance because of my negative response to his séxual request, if that happens what then becomes of my education?
How do I even get to face him at home or ask for any help from him without thinking back to his face in the bedroom as he tried to sexually devour me?
I sighed in frustration because I had too many questions that I had no actual answers to
Undoubtedly, I am tired! my hopes kept fluctuating and moving round in circles that I no longer knew what it felt like to go on my knees in prayers
I mean few months earlier when Aunty Cynthia and her husband offered to anchor my education, I was so happy that finally my prayers were answered by God yet this is the end result I got afterwards.
I laid for a while trying to get my emotions together, when my stomach begun rumbling and that is when it occurred to me that I hadn't really eaten a good meal since morning so I needed to eat something.
I heaved heavily as I got up from the bed, took a shower and changed my clothes into comfortable house wears
Inasmuch as I was tired of the happenings in my life and my emotions were still in its weakest state, my life is still precious to me and I intend to live it to its fullest no matter what comes my way.
And one thing I knew for sure is this; I will not compromise my integrity, morals and core values for the Nyeye's family even if it means I need to forgo my educational pursuit for it.
After coming to this conclusion, I walked into the kitchen and prepared a quick meal of spaghetti with egg.
I ate that night and went to bed hoping to forget everything by morning although I knew it was going to be so hard to do but I was willing to put in the effort.
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Days flew into weeks and weeks into months, I went about my normal activities while trying to forget the incident that happened between Mr Bernard and I in his mansion.
Thankfully, I didn't hear from Mr Bernard again and concluded that he doesn't intend to offer his assistance again which I understood why.
I couldn't even tell my family what happened, as I had already concluded to keep everything to myself to avoid a clash between our two families.
I just lived everyday as it came and I didn't bother on anything related to my education again.
There was no hope or faith left in me to begin with, and I had already concluded that after my exams for the semester, I will just write a suspension letter without looking back ever again
My father was right afterall! and I know I had felt I was emotionally perfectly okay but the reverse was the actual case!
To make matters worst, my academic progress were slowly diminishing as I stopped trying so hard to attain a great result.
I was still traumatized and I didn't realize the effect it had on my academic performance until my examination week which was already very late.
When our examination came and although I gave in my best, I wasn't in the right frame of mind for it so I easily forgot some answers whenever my mind did a flashback in the examination hall.
My friends noticed the change in me but I easily covered it up with lame excuses and thankfully the understood that it was because I didn't want to share what was bothering me so the didn't push further.
My examinations soon came to an end and we were given a three weeks break before resumption, but surprisingly this time I didn't feel like going home for the short holiday.
I wasn't ready to face the people that awaited me at home so I ended up spending my holiday in school admist my mother's pleas to see me.
I spent the holiday looking for on and offline jobs but I couldn't find any, the only one available had a bad working condition that was time consuming with a poor salary yet I accepted the job offer in other to at least earn some cash for survival in school.
I soon had to resign after a month when my salary and that of other workers were withheld by the bosses using a lame excuse of drinking water during work hours.
I was later informed that it was the norms over there to work but never get paid for your hard work by the greedy bosses.
I decided not to bother anymore and begun accepting different date offers from admirers in other to get my mind off things bothering me, but whenever I returned home it rushed back.
The suspension letter I thought would be easy to write after making a decision, I still couldn't get myself to write it no matter the different formats shown to me by Google search.
I kept procrastinating until a new semester begun, which welcomed me into a new educational level in the university but I wasn't happy
As slowly my food items were getting exhausted and there was no money left on me for a restock, the thoughts of how to survive plagued my mind and it was at this same period that my semester's results was released
I cringe when I saw my results! I may not have failed but it was the worst result I have had since I begun schooling.
It was bad became my grades were low and below average.
I looked at my results that Sunday night and I didn't know when I terribly broke down in tears, it was as though all the suppressed emotions I had refuse to let out came gushing out in uncontrollable tørments.
(Do not Plagiarize)
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